Mourning Light
by TamSibling
Summary: SimonKaylee, unabashed fluff. Set PostThe Message. Kaylee takes Tracey's death hard and Simon tries to comfort her.


A/N: This is a little ficlet I wrote just because I was craving some S/K goodness. Characters and Serenity/Firefly do not belong to me, but to Joss and his faithful army.

This takes place during the series, post-"The Message" and pre-"Heart of Gold." And it is unabashedly, S/K fluff!

**Mourning Light**

It was still snowing. Everyone else had drifted away, even Simon. River had started to fidget and mumble and so, with an apologetic smile, he'd squeezed her hand gently in his own and taken his sister back to the ship.

Kaylee was cold, but she had no desire to retreat inside. She'd normally seek out the solace and warmth of her engine room at a time like this, dry her tears on a grimy rag while she tinkered and fussed over her baby. But even that idea seemed empty somehow. Kind of like the look on Tracey's mama's face when she'd handed her the recording. Kind of like the look on the Captain's face as he'd watched the coffin get lowered into the ground.

Shivering, Kaylee wrapped her arms around her chest. She probably shouldn't have knelt in the snow, now her knees were wet and she was only going to get colder. But it was no colder than she'd felt when she'd realized Tracey was not the man she'd thought he was.

In truth, Kaylee had never been interested in him, not in _that_ way. Sure, he was pretty handsome and all noble, or so she'd thought. But his pale skin and dark hair were a sad substitute for who she really wanted.

Simon was the genuine article, Kaylee knew that. Sure, the Cap'n and maybe even Simon himself thought she might just be interested in sex, in seeing Simon's fine, unclothed body and finding all manner of ways to make him moan, but it was more than that.

When exactly the shift had happened, Kaylee wasn't quite sure. Maybe after Canton – after she'd slept in his arms and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. Or maybe after they'd rescued the Captain from Niska and she'd watched Simon work with assurance and compassion. He'd smiled at her then, after the Captain's ear was reattached, and for a minute, Kaylee had forgotten her fear at watching River gun down three men without even looking. Simon had come out of the infirmary, letting Inara inside to sit with Mal and he'd smiled at Kaylee. He'd smiled, and squeezed her arm and said, "He'll be all right." And then, Kaylee had hugged him – and he had hugged her back.

But there was always something after those perfect moments that seemed to ruin them – whether it was Simon trying to assure the captain that he would never sleep with her or the knowledge that his sister was a killer.

In spite of those little moments, when he inevitably said the wrong thing, or maybe because of them, Kaylee knew she was falling in love with him. Maybe because it illustrated to her that for all his perfectionism and strait-laced demeanor, he wasn't infallible. Simon could put his foot in his mouth with the best of them and Kaylee had never liked the smooth boys who knew all the right words and used every one only to get in her pants. Those boys were often attractive – and knew it. Simon wasn't like that.

The very swai, very smart doctor had no idea how much he had to offer her or any woman. Simon thought his fugitive status negated any and all of his amazing qualities – his ability to love, his nobility, his ingrained sense of propriety, his humility. Kaylee knew that since Simon had rescued River from that Academy, he defined himself as a fugitive and nothing more. She wondered if she'd ever be able to convince him that 'fugitive' was just a title and it meant nothing to her or the rest of the crew.

"What are you still doing out here?"

Startled, she turned her head swiftly, damp, brown hair swinging into her eyes as she took in Simon's concerned gaze. He stood stiffly at the end of the ramp, his arms wrapped around his mid-section. He'd shed his wool coat, now only wearing one of his button down shirts and a vest with those tight-fitting pants she normally loved to stare at.

Shrugging, she turned back to stare at Tracey's grave, a mound of dirt-mixed snow and told him, "Jus' thinkin', I guess."

Simon watched her, wondering how he should react. He was angry, sort of, that she'd still be out here, mourning the loss of a man who'd held her at gun point. He had no right to be mad, no right to expect Kaylee to wait for him or even entertain an apology from him, but Simon still felt the burn of jealousy and he hated it. Hated that while he was tending to River and trying to get her to sleep, he couldn't help thinking of the feel of Kaylee's small, calloused hand in his own. Hated the fact that he could remember the warmth of her arm against his as they'd listened to the Shepherd officiate the funeral and that even though he'd wanted to pull her close to him and hold her tight, he hadn't. In short, Simon hated the fact that he cared deeply for Kaylee, but was apparently incapable of acting on it.

"You should really come in," he told her quietly, not at all certain she could hear him. "You'll catch your death."

Smiling softly, Kaylee rose slowly, brushing the snow from her knees and shoving her hands into her jacket pockets. Turning to head back to the ship, she asked, "Is that your professional opinion?"

Returning her grin, Simon nodded. "Yes actually, it is."

Kaylee reached the ramp and without even considering the motion, Simon stretched out a hand. A bit startled, Kaylee met his blue-eyed gaze and her smile deepened. Slipping her hand into his, she laced their fingers together as he tugged her gently back up the ramp and into the safety and warmth of the ship.

As she shivered slightly, Simon told her, "You're freezing." Again, without thinking, he clasped their joined hands in his other one and began rubbing them together, trying to generate enough friction to warm her. Once again stunned, Kaylee stopped and stared, first at their hands and then gradually, to Simon's face, only to find that he had once again locked his blue eyes on her green ones.

"I guess it was pretty silly to be sittin' out there," she said sheepishly, ducking her head as she felt her cheeks blush.

"Everyone mourns in their own way," he answered quietly and Kaylee felt her cheeks grow redder.

"I was jus' tryin' to make sense of it, you know?" Looking up, Kaylee offered him a small smile, wishing that the few remaining tears she felt pooling in her eyes would just evaporate. She'd done enough crying, for Tracey, for Simon, for herself. It was time to pull it together and be cheerful again. "But I guess some things jus' don't make any sense, no matter how much we want 'em too."

"No, I guess they don't." The huskiness in Simon's voice drew her attention back to him. Inhaling sharply, Kaylee realized that he'd stopped rubbing her hand, drawing it instead to rest against his chest. Taking a hesitant step forward, his blue eyes searched her face, looking for what Kaylee wasn't sure. Afraid to ruin the moment or jeopardize his closeness, she trapped her lip between her teeth and studied him just as intently. _Is he gonna kiss me? Oh God, please …_

"You really are soaked to the bone," Simon said with sigh. Clearing his throat, he backed away, dropping her hands. Kaylee tried to mask her disappointment as he clasped his hands behind his back and again went all "stiff" – again. She had thought they were close to … well, something. His face red, Simon looked anywhere but her face as he stammered, "Aren't you cold?"

_I wasn't 'til you backed away_, she thought with a slight sense of irritation. Shaking her head slightly, she told him, "No." As he quirked an eyebrow at her, she again blushed and admitted, "Okay, maybe a little."

"You need to get out of those clothes." Simon's face turned a deeper shade of red as he realized what he'd said and Kaylee raised a coy eyebrow in his direction. Rubbing a nervous hand along the back of his neck, Simon backpedaled hurriedly, taking another step away from her. "I mean, you should change into something warm and dry."

Sighing, Kaylee nodded, glad Simon wasn't looking at her face. She knew she looked pathetically forlorn at his discomfort and the combination of his behavior and her grief was threatening to sadden her all over ago. "Yeah," she said quietly, masking a sigh by turning to head out of the bay. "I guess I should."

Simon turned to watch her go, feeling his heart beat racing again. He'd wanted to kiss her, so badly, but as if waking from a dream, his consciousness had returned in a rush. He just couldn't, but he also couldn't stand the fact that he'd hurt her – again.

"Kaylee?"

She stopped at the sound of his call and counted to five before turning back to face him, forcing a small smile to her face. Simon returned the grin as he stepped towards her. "Why don't you go change and get dried off and I'll make us some tea?"

Her face lighting with a genuine smile, Kaylee asked, "Really?"

"It would be my pleasure," Simon insisted, bowing slightly at the waist and getting an adorable giggle from the mechanic.

"Umm, okay." Turning swiftly on her heel, Kaylee headed out of the cargo bay. "I'll see you in the galley in a few."

Simon watched her go, the smile on his lips fading as his brain lingered on the sight of her beautiful face and perfect lips. God, he'd wanted to kiss her. But, he couldn't, right? Not with River … Shaking his head firmly to dislodge the conflicting thoughts, Simon marched towards the kitchen. He had tea to make.

Kaylee stripped quickly out of her damp coveralls, shivering as the icy air hit her now bare skin. Pawing through her drawers, she found a comfortable and warm pair of flannel pajamas and yanked them on. Her mama had sent them to her a few Christmases ago, and Kaylee always found herself snuggling into the soft material when it was just too gorram cold or she'd had a bad day.

Since Simon had come on board, she'd been wearing them a lot.

Frowning softly at the thought, she considered their encounter in the cargo bay from only moments before. She knew he liked her, it was pretty plain. But Kaylee also knew that his devotion to River was greater than any she could ever hope to inspire. Selfishly, Kaylee hoped that there would come a day – in the near future – when River would be well enough for Simon to let go a little bit. Kaylee did not have an inflated ego by any stretch of the imagination, but she was convinced that if she could just get Simon to loosen up, have some fun, and yes, maybe even kiss her, that he'd see how great his life could be.

Above all else, she wanted him to be happy. Kaylee wanted happiness for all the people she cared about, but for Simon it was more than that – she wanted him to be happy with her, because she was quickly starting to realize that her happiness was closely aligned with the young doctor's. Which, she supposed, was why his thoughtless comments were always so heart-wrenching. Kaylee knew he didn't mean half the things he said, but they still hurt her feelings.

Shaking off the thought, Kaylee focused on her reflection in the small mirror over her sink, frowning as she took in the sight of her blotchy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Had she really been crying that much? Combing her fingers through her hair, she cocked her head to one side, considering and then whispered, "Well, I gotta look better than dead Bessie."

Smiling softly, she continued to finger comb her hair, pausing as she hit a particularly nasty snarl towards the ends. Leaning forward to get a better look, she froze as she pulled her fingers away to find them stained with blood – Tracey's blood. Staring, Kaylee reached for other strands of hair and found more covered in something dark and sticky.

Frantically reaching for her hair brush, Kaylee started combing, tea with Simon completely forgotten.

Okay, the tea was getting cold. Simon rose, pacing to the hatchway leading down to the crew bunks and again stared into the darkened hallway. Most everyone else was asleep, so the ship was quiet, and Simon was grateful for the peace.

But he'd been hoping to spend some quality time with a certain effusive mechanic and he found Kaylee's absence disappointing. She had seemed interested in drinking tea, and Simon had hoped to take the opportunity to apologize for his thoughtless comments on the space station a few days prior. Per usual, he'd opened his mouth only to insert his foot.

Simon wished he wasn't such a … well, a boob as his sister put it. Especially not around Kaylee; he liked her – a lot – and while he never intentionally hurt her and she always forgave him, he wondered if there would ever come a day when her seemingly endless good nature ran out. He'd uttered many a prayer that that day would never come to pass.

Simon sighed, heading back to the table and sitting down heavily. Reaching for his cooling tea, Simon took a sip and grimaced at the bitter taste of the beverage. In truth, he knew it wouldn't soothe his own nerves, not tonight. Besides having to apologize to the beautiful young woman, he was also plagued by memories of Tracey, holding a gun to Kaylee's head, soaking her shirt in his blood. It had hurt him to see Kaylee so willingly fawn over their un-dead passenger, but that hurt had been instantly forgotten the moment Simon had realized the danger she was in. He had no desire to sew up another gun shot wound for her – ever, if possible.

This was ridiculous. He needed to apologize and more importantly, he wanted to be sure Kaylee was all right. Despite Tracey's checkered history, she seemed to have taken his death pretty hard. Simon had not missed the puffiness of her cheeks or the redness in her eyes when he'd fetched her from the gravesite before. He knew she'd been crying and more than likely for most of the day. Again, the sight of her perfect features marred with sadness stole his breath and Simon resolved to do something about it.

Rising, he headed for her bunk, rapping lightly on the hatch in an effort not to wake any of the others. The last thing he needed was a bleary-eyed Mal threatening to leave him behind on this ice cube because he'd visited Kaylee's bunk in the middle of the night.

Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Simon waited for her to invite him in, and only grew more nervous as he heard nothing but silence. Taking a chance, and trying to quell the little voice in his head that told him his behavior was inappropriate, Simon gripped the hatch and pushed it open, calling down, "Kaylee?"

Startled, Kaylee's head snapped up from where it had been buried on her knees. Glancing to the entrance to her bunk, she could tell it had been opened and in a rush, she remembered tea with Simon. Cheeks flushing as she felt guilty for blowing him off, she wiped hurriedly at her face and said, "Yeah, Simon. C'mon in."

She quickly rearranged her blankets as he descended, curling her mother's homemade quilt more firmly around her body. She had wedged herself in the corner of her bunk, her back to the wall, her knees pulled up to her chest. But despite the warm pajamas and extra layers of insulation she'd surrounded herself with, she'd been unable to get warm since she'd found the remains of Tracey's blood in her hair.

Simon stopped short as he reached the floor of her bunk. Quickly, his eyes roved over her distraught form, taking in the paleness of her cheeks, the emptiness in her eyes, the slight tremble that seemed to permeate her entire being. Resisting his first impulse to charge across the room and gather her in his arms, he stated hesitantly, "Your tea got cold."

Nodding, Kaylee swallowed several times, before she managed to croak out, "Sorry. I guess, I … I guess I just …" Trailing off, she gave up trying to explain, letting out a heavy sigh and again dropping her face to her knees.

Puzzled and more concerned than only moments before, Simon took a few tentative steps forward. "Kaylee? Are you all right?"

Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to look at him, bringing up a hand to push her hair off her face. Simon noticed instantly how badly she was shaking and the red smear of blood on her hand and was by her side in a second. He suddenly gave less than a damn about propriety or protocol – Kaylee was injured. Reaching for the hand, he held it gently and asked, "What happened? Did you hurt yourself?"

Pulling it back sharply, Kaylee told him, "No. It ain't mine."

Frowning, Simon gazed at her blankly. "I don't understand."

Gripping a bunch of hair in her hand, Kaylee told him, "It's Tracey's. When he was …" Swallowing hard, she pushed the words out. "When he was holdin' me an' he got shot, some o' his blood soaked into my hair too."

Simon was speechless. As he struggled to find appropriate words, Kaylee continued, staring at her bedspread as she spoke softly. "I tried to brush it out, but it din't work so much. An' I got so cold, I-" Pausing abruptly, she shivered violently, before adding, "I was jus' tryin' to get warm."

He watched her closely as she struggled to put what she was feeling into words and felt his heart beat a bit faster as Kaylee seemed to shrink before him, retreating into the small cocoon of her bunk. Studying her for only a second more, Simon crossed the room to her sink. Finding a washcloth, he let the water run to get warm, grabbing a few other things from her vanity before wetting the soft cloth and moving back to her side.

Kaylee watched him, puzzled by his movements. She was even more stunned when he settled down on her bed beside her and reached for her hand. "Let me see it," Simon said softly, taking it tenderly in his own as she offered it to him.

With the lightest of touches, Simon set about cleaning off first one hand and then the other, being sure to wipe any and all of the blood from her skin. Kaylee watched, mesmerized, as Simon diligently bathed each finger, moving from her palms, over her knuckles to the backs of her hands. The warm cloth felt blessedly wonderful against her freezing skin and Kaylee found her eyes drooping shut as his touch almost lulled her to sleep.

Simon spared a few glances to Kaylee, smiling softly as he watched her relax. Finishing with her hands, he went back to the sink quickly, rinsing out the cloth and rewetting it. Kaylee's eyes had fluttered open and by the time he came back to her they gazed at him questioningly. In answer to her unspoken curiosity, Simon instructed, "Turn your back to me."

Not at all certain of his intent, but unwilling to send him away, Kaylee did as he asked, sitting cross legged before him, staring at the head of her bunk with Simon behind her. In seconds she understood as he gently took the ends of her hair, where the blood had congealed and began to rub it through the washcloth, wiping the foul fluid away. Sighing contentedly as he continued to pamper her, Kaylee once again felt her body drifting into a relaxed state.

She leaned back, fully trusting that Simon would hold her up. Apparently, he'd already compensated for that inevitability, as she found herself resting against his bent leg, his other stretched out straight at her side. Sighing again, Kaylee finally found the will to speak. "Simon, you don't gotta do this." _But please don't stop._

Smiling even though she could not see him, Simon continued to work. "I'm not doing it because I have to. I'm doing it because I want to," he told her quietly. He felt much more sure of himself now, as he tended to her. This was, after all, what he did and while Kaylee's closeness was distracting, Simon chose instead to focus on the blessedly wonderful intimacy they could share as he cared for her.

Kaylee opened her eyes and turned slightly, causing Simon to stop his work. Regarding her silently, he waited, guessing she had something to say. And he was right.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, smiling softly.

Resting a hand to her cheek and trying to ignore how smooth and soft her skin was, Simon asked, "You're sorry? For what? Kaylee, you didn't do anything."

Shaking her head once, Kaylee pivoted to face him fully, dislodging his hand in the process. "I threw Tracey in your face. Pretendin' I liked him an' all. An' I was actin' all crazy back on the station. I shouldn'ta-"

Simon pressed a finger against her lips, causing Kaylee's eyes to widen while simultaneously stealing her breath. Holding her gaze intently in his own, Simon told her firmly, "You have nothing to apologize for, Kaylee. What I said when we were at the exhibit, it was … Well, it was awful and I'm so sorry. It came out completely wrong." Moving his finger from her soft lips, Simon again cupped her cheek in his hand and studied every inch of her face as he added, "You could never and would never be someone's only choice, Kaylee. You are far too special for that."

_I wanna be your choice._ The words were poised on her lips, but Kaylee found her nerve flagging as Simon's fingers ran along her cheek and back into her hair, where they began to gently massage the base of her neck. "You don't gotta say that," she murmured, her eyes again closing as Simon's hands turned her to putty. "I know I was bein'-"

Leaning forward, Simon took a deep breath and simply acted. Pressing his lips to Kaylee's, he only allowed for a small brush of their mouths against one another, but it was enough to swallow the rest of her statement. Pulling back almost before he'd met her soft lips, he waited anxiously for her reaction. Her eyes were still closed and Simon wondered if perhaps she'd fallen asleep on him. He continued to run his fingers along the nape of her neck, his other arm looping around her waist to pull her more firmly in his lap.

Kaylee wasn't completely convinced she wasn't dreaming. Refusing to open her eyes and ruin the moment, she suppressed a delighted giggle as Simon drew her closer, giving her the ability to lean her head against his shoulder. She turned her face into his neck, inhaling deeply and smiled with a sigh. "What was that for?" she murmured, feeling the pull of sleep that could only be caused by utter contentment.

"For being you," he answered softly. His cheek now rested against the top of her head and as he spoke his breath tickled her skin. "I realize I shouldn't have … I mean, I hope I didn't to overstep my bounds, but I-"

"Simon, don't apologize," she told him quietly, reaching for his hand at the base of her neck and giving it a squeeze. "I ain't sorry ya did it." Pausing, she took another deep breath and finally lifted her eyes to his face. "I've been wantin' you to for a while now."

Blushing furiously, Simon resisted the overwhelming urge to kiss her again and damn any and all consequences. "And I've wanted to," he assured, his eyes drifting to their intertwined fingers. As he'd noticed earlier in the day, their hands fit so well together. "But things haven't … I mean, River is still …" Sighing, Simon brought his gaze back to her beautiful face knowing he'd regret it. And he was right. How he'd managed to resist her for this long, he had no idea and it hurt his heart to know he'd have to keep on resisting, at least for a while. "I can't be the man you deserve right now, Kaylee. Not when River needs so much from me."

Kaylee wanted to argue with him, wanted to tell him she'd take anything she could get, but there was something else in those blue eyes and it stilled her tongue. As much as she desired Simon, she could see now that he desired her just as fiercely. But he wanted her with no strings, no addendums. How she knew she couldn't quite say, but having been witness to his stopping and stuttering over the past months, she knew it was the truth. Just as she knew that pushing him into a relationship before he was ready would only end in heartache for them both.

She could wait.

Lifting a hand to his face, Kaylee held his gaze in hers and told him, "I understand, Simon, I do. Although the waitin' ain't easy," she confided, her lips turning up into a wry smile which Simon mirrored. "But can we at least be friends 'til then? You don't gotta keep pushin' me away. I know takin' care o' River takes a lot outta ya." Simon blushed fiercely and Kaylee continued, cupping his chin in her hand and bringing his eyes back to her face. "It'd be easier if you let us help ya. Let me at least."

"She's my responsibility, Kaylee," Simon countered, wishing the thought of his tormented baby sister didn't cause his eyes to tighten with unshed tears. "It's not fair of me to ask you or anyone else-"

"You ain't never asked, Simon." Her tone was soft, but firm and when he again looked to her, he found his spirit bolstered by her open and honest expression that seemed to radiate love. "Let me be your friend," she stated again. "Then, maybe we … I mean, I hope that … Well someday …"

"Someday will come," Simon interrupted softly, taking one of her hands in his. "It will."

Smiling wide, Kaylee rested her head against his shoulder once more and curled herself more tightly against him. "Then that's good enough for me." She heard Simon release a sigh, one that sounded suspiciously like relief. "So, until then, friends?" she asked, her voice again growing heavy with sleep.

"Friends," he whispered, before pressing a kiss to her temple. He held her as she drifted off, only tearing himself away from her warm embrace in the early morning. He left her tucked in securely, her mother's quilt draped over her sleeping form, with a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"Someday," Simon murmured once more, hurrying out of her bunk before someday turned into this moment and he fell even more head over heels for the beautiful and loving woman who had already stolen his heart.


End file.
